A little dating inspiration

From LDS.org,

Dating and the Eternal Perspective

By Kimberly Reid Church Magazines

Kimberly Reid, “Dating and the Eternal Perspective,” Ensign, Feb 2008, 60–63

A battle rages against the family, undermining our attempts to marry. But we have reason to hope.

Susan and Jim hated the disco craze sweeping young adult dances in 1978. One night they both ended up at a dance anyway. At six and a half feet (2 m) tall, Jim scanned the room for a tall dancing partner and spotted Susan’s red hair above the crowd.

“Would you like to dance?” he asked, flashing a gallant smile.

“Sure.”

“Great. I’ll see if I can find you a partner.” My dad pretended to walk away while my mom laughed at his joke. They danced, exchanged phone numbers, and, nine months later, married in the Salt Lake Temple.

We’ve all heard stories of how couples met. Now it may be our chance to live such a story. But we face a different atmosphere than our parents did, and not just because disco has gone out of style. The adversary’s battle rages against the family, undermining our attempts to marry. Obstacles like rejection, pressure, and distraction threaten to overwhelm us. Satan wants us to lose hope—but we don’t have to. With the Lord’s help, we can reject worldly attitudes and adopt eternal perspectives. Here are five examples.

Read the rest of the article here.

5 Lessons for meeting more women

To the men who are reading this article: There are a lot of women who are very unhappy with you. Really. I know, because as a dating coach, I hear women tell me all the time in the most exasperated tone: “How come I never meet a nice, normal guy? Why do I only get approached by creeps?” You’ve probably heard women say this yourself. So how would you respond to them?

I’m guessing it’s something like: “Nice guys are afraid of rejection, don’t want to bother you when you’re out, and are generally more concerned with the consequences of being embarrassed than with actually meeting you.” It may be true, but, as truth goes, it’s a pretty sad state of affairs. What’s easy to forget is that most women want to be approached by you. By not approaching them, you’re letting them down and allowing the creeps to take their shot. Follow these lessons and the next time you’re out, maybe you’ll prove that nice guys don’tfinish last.

Lesson #1: Assume the answer is yes
Have you ever been sold a product before? Hair tonic, a car, bathroom tile? I can guarantee you that the salesperson didn’t pitch you by saying, “Um, excuse me… I hate to bother you… would you be interested in… I mean, probably not, but—” No! Any salesman worth his commission is not just selling confidence in his product, but confidence in himself. “Confidence says I’m bright, I’m likeable, women have liked me in the past, I’m comfortable in my own skin,” says Victor, 38, a real estate broker. “Since she has to make a decision on the spot, confidence through nonverbal communication makes the best impression.” You can even “fake it ’til you make it” through these two very simple means: Smile and maintain eye contact. And remember: If you don’t know that you’re worth talking to, how would she know.

Lesson #2: It’s not about you
I’m out at a big Hollywood scene with beautiful people. It’s getting late, towards the end of the night, and I ask my buddy Terrance which woman he’s got his eye on. He points to an attractive brunette talking to a cute blonde across the courtyard. Slightly bemused, I tell him that I will make the introduction. As I stride over, I rationalize that if my approach doesn’t go well, she’s not really rejecting me, but rather, Terrance. I know this isn’t true, but it gets me going.

I arrive while the women are in mid-conversation. I say nothing for a few seconds and when they both look at me, I chime in: “You guys just keep talking. I’ll interrupt when I’ve got something interesting to contribute.” And that was it. It wasn’t a line. It wasn’t planned. It just happened. After three minutes, Terrance came over, I made the introductions, and we both got phone numbers. The moral of the story? Playing my little conversational trick in allpick-up situations can be really helpful. Just ask any married friend how easy it is to talk with women when you know that there are no stakes involved. If it’s not about you, you can’t possibly fail.

Lesson #3: There’s power in numbers
Believe it or not, three is better than one. When you approach a woman who is by herself, she knows that you’re hitting on her based solely on your attraction to her. This increases the pressure in a way that doesn’t always make for a comfortable situation. That’s why the safest way to meet a woman is to approach her in a crowd of her friends. Now there’s no pressure, because nobody knows who you’re hitting on, and you can just be the friendly guy who’s chatting with everybody. “If you’re charming, funny or bright,” says Charles, 36, “she might find herself interested in you before you’ve expressed interest in her.” This tilts things in your favor, even to the point where you might be in control. “By charming her friends and getting their approval, the one you like will be that much more open when you ask her out,” adds Charles.

Lesson #4: It’s just that easy
If you ever doubt how simple it can be to meet a woman, this story should inspire you: I was at a party with some close friends and saw an acquaintance across the room. Late 30s, attractive, friendly, likeable. We’d met probably four times before through a mutual friend who was also at the party. When our eyes met, I smiled at her. She smiled back. Because it was a large and crowded room, I put out my index finger and beckoned her to come over to me. She sort of did a double take, smiled even more broadly and came right over.

“Hi,” I said, warmly.
“Hi,” she said, blankly. Then it hit me.
“You have no idea who I am,” I said.
“None whatsoever,” she replied.
“It’s Evan. Evan Katz.”
“Oh, yes — we’ve met! You cut your hair. I didn’t even recognize you.” She gave me a hug. But I had one more important question to ask her before we continued talking.
“Is it really that easy to get a woman to talk to you… just by calling her over with your finger?”
She took a second to consider the evidence and replied, “Apparently, it is.”

So there you have it. We men have more power than we even realized.

Lesson #5: The outcome doesn’t matter
Maybe you’re not her type. Maybe she’s just out of a relationship. Maybe she’s having troubles at work. Maybe she’s not perceptive enough to recognize your worth. You never know why someone may not be interested in you. Truthfully, it doesn’t matter. It’s more diminishing to your self-esteem to let fear run your life than it is to get rejected. Here’s one story below that showcases this in a big way.

So I was in the checkout line at the grocery store, and I was waiting for a woman with 400 coupons. In the meantime, I was talking to the tall, raven-haired cutie behind me. We were making jokes, laughing, passing the time. All in all, a very pleasant five minutes of my life. The coupon lady finished up. I paid for my stuff, said goodbye to my new friend and rolled my cart out the door.

The second I hit the fresh air, I was kicking myself: Dummy! Why didn’t you ask for her phone number? Because I got all embarrassed what with the other people in line and the woman swiping my bar codes. Because of all the other reasons that nice guys wimp out. I decided that this would not do. I was going to wait until she came out of the supermarket and ask her out. And that’s what I did.

“Hey, it was a lot of fun meeting you in there,” I said to her as she emerged with her bags. “I was wondering if you’d like to grab lunch sometime.”

A big smile came across her face. “You are so cute and I couldn’t be more flattered, but I have a serious, live-in boyfriend. But I really want to thank you for asking. You totally made my day.” After she said goodbye, I went home, walking on air, so happy that I did it, instead of wishing I did it, like so many times before. It didn’t matter if she had a boyfriend or if she was lying or being polite or whatever — all that m

Good first date questions

Found a great Article on Yahoo with some great date questions!!! Here is part of the article.

Early date chit-chat can become so formulaic that you walk away knowing little more about a person than a few résumé-ready bullet points: where he grew up, where she went to school, for whom he toils to get his biweekly paycheck. “We tend to ask more questions about a car or house than about the person we are going out with and potentially entrusting our hearts with. The trick is to ask questions that aren’t too personal, but still reveal your date’s tastes and his or her values.

1. What’s your favorite scene from your favorite book or movie?
Talking about mass media and pop culture can clue you in to similar interests and worldviews. “Books, movies, and music all transmit powerful messages of hope or emotion,” says Hogan. “If you have radically different preferences, there may be some fundamental differences between the way the two of you look at the world.” But asking your date to name his or her favorite scene can help you distill what’s important to him or her beyond just genre.

2. What do you love about your job?
The standard, “What do you do?” is a closed question that doesn’t reveal much about a person other than a job title. But if you phrase the career question a bit differently, you can delve into your date’s likes and dislikes; reveal his or her strengths; see how he or she handles conflict; and find out how happy this person is with life overall. Think about the different impressions you’ll form if your date answers the question, “Knowing that I’m helping people fulfill their dream” versus “Deciding what to order for lunch!”

3. What’s your definition of a relationship?
Granted, it takes a bit of build-up to ask this question (usually, once you begin discussing your dating histories, you can slip this one in), but it’s worth asking. Does your date want to be wined and dined, or are you both looking for a 50/50 relationship? It’s too soon to know what this specific potential relationship will look like, but a question like this lets you share your expectations and fundamental beliefs. “I like to ask this question early on, because I’ve found that some women I’ve dated didn’t know what they wanted out of our relationship,” says Mario Webb of Ft. Walton Beach, FL. “They came into it just hoping things work out without telling me what they expect. Needless to say, things haven’t worked out.” And if your date’s answer is outside the range of what you consider acceptable, you’ve saved yourself future heartbreak by finding out before you fall for him or her.

4. If money were no object, what would you do with your life?
This tried-and-true icebreaker showcases your date’s hopes, dreams, and regrets — topics that often remain untouched by even serious romantic partners. The answers can range from a desire to travel to going back to school to learning how to play the violin. Two buttoned-up stockbrokers might discover they both share a secret longing to be athletes or a shared devotion to public service. Your date’s response will help clue you in to common goals and interests that go beyond what you do on a day-to-day basis.

5. Will you share an embarrassing moment with me?
This fun question is great to ask when a date has gotten a little tense or quiet, because it reveals both details of your date’s history and his or her character. Just know that you may have to share an awkward experience first in order to make your date feel comfortable. “One of the great things is that our humanity is a bonding thing,” says Hogan. “Our ability to laugh at ourselves is critical in a budding relationship.” So make it clear that you’re not looking for dirt on that plagiarism incident in 11th grade, but rather something goofy, like the time you drove a golf cart into the water, installed a chandelier upside-down and so forth.

grab that rebound!

Today, I was discussing with my roommate why it is that we worry about "rebounding". We also wondered why guys tend to avoid dating girls who have just broken up with someone. We even realized that we've told a friend or two "you should probably give her some space and let her get over him first." We've decided it's time for a change; We're officially pro-rebound.

Why not, right? I know that the last time I broke up with someone, I complained that it was difficult to move on because there weren't any guys asking me on a date. Plus, as a wise institute teacher pointed out to me once, when you're "heartbroken" over a recent break up, you want the affection and attention back that you had in your relationship, right? So, your heart is already open. Once you "get over" someone, or especially when you spend some time being anti-dating, you harden your heart and put up a wall that someone trying to date you has to break down. If you're "rebounding", the wall is already down and you can start to build a relationship that much faster.

The moral of the story? Rebound away.

Expectations

Sometimes I feel like Mr. Jerry Seinfeld. You had the big nose, the man hands, eating peas one at a time and many other small things that led Jerry to break up with the girl. I often hear from friends after I break up with a girl that my expectations are too high. But where do you draw the line between finding what you need/want and having these expectations to high?

One of the things we studied in my beginning to marketing was order winners, order losers, and order qualifiers. Qualifiers are those things that qualify you for consideration. Winners are those things that separate you from everyone else. Losers are those things that will cause you to be taken out of consideration. I have decided that this will be my new template in finding my eternal companion by classifying the things I absolutely have to have and those that I could live without.

Ponying up!

A few weeks ago their was a stake barn dance for my stake in which my roommate and attended. After only a few min at the dance I spotted the girl I wanted to talk, dance with and get to know better, but I was a chicken. I have never been good at asking girls I don't know to dance or even worse getting their numbers. But that night something clicked with me, and I said what in the world do I have to lose. It is time to step up and be a man. So I asked her to dance, had a nice conversation with her and then got her number.

Guys as much as I would love to say that girls should take more responsibility in dating (girls you really should), the duty and responsibility is ours. So it is up to us if we take a swing or not. What is the worst thing that can happen? We miss? To miss really isn't that bad, hey the final out of this years World Series was a strikeout. So men go for the gold and be men.

A note on leagues.

It's not about whether someone is "in your league" or "out of your league", it's whether you can convince them to join your team.


Now, onto a slightly different but somewhat related subject.
Lately, I've been wondering why people don't just go on dates. If you're interested in someone, shouldn't you just take them on a date, get to know them, and consider the potential? What's all this about hanging out and becoming friends before you take them even on the first date? And, really, what have you got to lose from one date?

Men, I challenge you. (Women can take me up on this also, but it's less your responsibility)
Here's the challenge. If you see a girl that you may be interested in, ask her on a date. None of this waiting for her to show some interest first. Take the risk that she'll turn you down and ask her. Worst case scenario? She says no, and without playing all the silly games, you already know that she's not interested and you can move on!

Three dates=holding hands?

I recently had some friends tell me that after I had been on a fifth date (mind you these were the only times we did anything so we did not have the standard 'hanging out' in between dates) with a girl that I either had to have a DTR with her and tell her that I was just getting to know her and taking things slow or I needed to hold her hand. For some reason in our society this false thinking that just because you have been out on a certain amount of dates something particular should be happening. What ever happened to really getting to know somebody and actually finding out if you want to hold their hand or kiss them before you do it?

Further on this point, I had a several friends that said that if I didn't talk to her or hold her hand, that I was sending mixed signals. I personally think from the view of a guy speaking MANdrin that I was being quite clear. I am interested in getting to know you so I am taking you on dates, but I want to really get to know you better before I hold your hand. So lets all not over-read into things and just take things for what they are.

Finally just a general question to throw out there... Why do you go to FHE as a single?

The r word.

Raise your hand if you have ever chickened out of asking someone on a date because you were afraid of rejection. All of you, put your hands up. And if you're not putting your hand up, either you're lying or you're legityly not afraid of rejection (in which case, why are you reading this blog?)

In talking to people (both guys and girls) about asking out on dates, the number one fear I've discovered is rejection. Now, let's be honest, I don't like it either.

I'm here today, however, to change your perspective. When someone turns you down for a date, you don't have to get depressed and you definitely don't have to feel rejected.

Situation 1: You ask that certain someone you've had your eye on on a date and they tell you they're busy that night, but they'd love to go out another time.
Diagnosis: Not rejection. They're simply busy that night and you can ask them out another time. No harm, no foul.

Situation 2: You've been eyeing this person for a month or so now and you've finally worked up the guts to ask them on a date. They say, "Sorry, I'm not interested" or "Sorry, I'm dating someone."
Diagnosis: Not rejection. Now, this one's where it gets tricky. I'll bet you're saying to your computer screen right now "Of course that's rejection! They don't even want to go on a date with me."

My friends, it's all a matter of perspective. If your interest informs you that they're not interested, they just simplified your life! You don't have to wonder anymore. You know they're not and you can move on to someone else.

Somebody once told me "there is no use wasting time being heart broken over someone who is not your eternal companion". Now, I don't think I agree with that completely. There are great things that can be learned from experiencing a little heartbreak here and there. I'd change the statement to say "there is no use wasting time being heartbroken over someone who doesn't think you're worth their time." Why? Because if they don't think you're worth their time, they certainly aren't worth yours.

What a Girl Wants: four guy's thoughts

One night my three roommates and I were chatting and we decided to come up with a list of things that the average normal girl wants in a guy/relationship. So here is our list, girls let us know what you think.

1. Security (psychological and physical)
2. Respect

3. Compatible sense of humor

4. Creativity
5. Appreciation

6. Initiative a. Goal-oriented/achievers

7. Good hygiene
8. Honesty

9. Integrity

10. Friendship

11. Equality

12. Chemistry and Romance

Now guys it would be super nice if each girl were the same and each of these things meant the same thing to them. But we are all individually different and there is no instruction manual for dating a particular girl. So start to read between the lines and find out what each of these categories mean to the girl of your interest.

Differences between Men and Women

Yesterday in my institute class we talked about how the differences between men and women are God given and are actually blessings. We watched this video. It was a pretty humorous way of explaining the differences, but really accurate (as a generalization) at the same time.

Now, why would these differences be such a good thing? Think about it. Women having all those crazy wires going all the time, would essentially be able to focus on all her children at once. It's a nurturing thing. And men being able to have boxes and have such a direct focus? Balances the woman out and he's more able to problem solve because he has such good focus. And the nothing box? Men are the bread winners, so how great is it that they can do a repetitive task (i.e. work) every day and still be content. Yep. That's why we love the nothing box.

That's what we talked about in institute, it was great. I adore the "Preparing for an Eternal Marriage" manual and would absolutely recommend it to anyone. My teacher is pretty fantastic too. I'm loving this class.

So, here's today's tip:
Ladies, men like to solve problems. It's a gift they've been given. So, when you're talking to them, if you just want to whine and you just need sympathy, tell them. On the other hand, if you do want advice/problem-solving say so.
Men, girls have a lot on their minds. And they're so difficult to figure out because often even they don't know what they want. Simplest way to find out? Ask them.

Happy Dating. :)

Womanese and Mandrin

The other day at work I was trying to communicate instruction for a task to two Arabic workers. Their English was poor and they had a difficult time comprehending the instructions I was trying to give. As a result I ended up explaining things multiple times and had a to show them instead of just telling them what I wanted them to do. And in the end the task took much longer then necessary.

Many different times during conversations with significant others or just friends that are girls, there has been a gap in what each of us take out of the same conversation or even just statement. It has been shocking to me at times the meanings girls have taken from things that I have said. Often times my intentions were good, but were not understood as such.

Just last year I was dating a beautiful young lady. One evening we were headed to a Jazz game when I said that our relationship did not have enough depth. The meaning I hoped to convey was that we should work together to create more depth in our relationship. However, she took my statement to mean that I was thinking about breaking up with her. She was emotionally distraught, the remainder of the night there was a horrible tension and it was not enjoyable. Finally as I dropped her off at home we finally talked about it and realized our different views.

“Understanding women is a like trying to read and understand Isiah.” What does understanding Isiah take? Now I am not trying to pass all the blame on to woman for the problems we have communicating with the opposite sex. I am simply stating that we speak different languages.

A date! What's a date?

Well, you go out to dinner and talk about yourselves. Your likes and your dislikes, your interests. 

At least, that's what Enchanted tells us a date is. 

But really, what is a date? 

Dictionary.com provides us with two related definitions: 

• a social appointment, engagement, or occasion arranged beforehand with another person: to go out on a date on Saturday night.
• a person with whom one has such a social appointment or engagement: Can I bring a date to the party?

So, grocery shopping with your roommate? That can be a date? I think a better description of the kind of date we're talking about comes from Elder Dallin H. Oaks' infamous talk, "Dating versus Hanging Out". He says, "A “date” must pass the test of three p’s: (1) planned ahead, (2) paid for, and (3) paired off." 

If it passes the three p's, it's a date. 

Here's what I want to know. Why do we have to have the three p's test? What happened to traditional "asking someone on a date"? Shouldn't we know that dates are dates instead of wondering if what we're on is actually a date?